Precious Gifts

After marrying the man of my dreams, I thought Jonathan and I would probably start a family in a year or so, after I finished graduate school. So, I graduated and started my new career, but suddenly had all this free time in the evenings and weekends! To say that we enjoyed our pre-children life together would be an understatement. Dining out, movies in the middle of the week, spontaneous plans with friends, joining a running group, late nights reading - my time was my own, and it was great! All of a sudden it was J telling me he was ready, nevermind my (slow) ticking clock. So we developed a "five-year" plan, and I tried to balance work (with a due date late in the year so as not to have much to return to before summer) with the child's development (I didn't want our baby to be too far behind their peers in school), and decided on the perfect window of time to start our family.

I'm a planner, and tried to plan everything perfectly. I consulted with my OB-GYN on when to discontinue birth control (three months prior), read books on pre-conception health & organization, and started charting my ovulation to be prepared for conception. I even built in two months of "trying" to our timeline so that I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen right away. I think we were only slightly surprised when we found out that we were pregnant after our first month of trying, but also thrilled! Although in awe, I don't think I had enough humility and respect for God's grace and the miracle of life.

At six weeks pregnant, the day before leaving for our European trip in June 2010, I decided to visit the doctor because I wasn't sure I felt "right." My doctor wasn't available, but another doctor in her practice drew my blood, then gave me a scan and wasn't able to see a gestational sac. Although he tried to caution us, I tried to reassure myself that maybe it was too early to see anything. So we went on our trip (which was actually a work trip for Jonathan on which I got to tag along), and I said a little cheer every time I had to go to the bathroom on the plane. On our first night in Israel, the doctor called us to let me know my hCG levels were low, and that I likely wasn't pregnant. But I had brought my "What to Expect" book and saw that "normal" levels varied, so I held on to hope. That night, on July 1st, I woke up to go to the bathroom, as was normal, and realized I was bleeding. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through - I cannot imagine what it must be like if the pregnancy is further along. My heart hurts for mothers who have gone through the loss of a pregnancy. For us, it was the loss of what might have been, the loss of hopefulness that new life brings, and a realization that we are not in control. It was hard, but we were blessed beyond imagination to be able to heal together in the Holy Land. After visiting an Israeli doctor (recommended by dear friends who, along with J's boss & family, were a wonderful support system in a foreign place) who confirmed it was a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy (a whole different kind of scary), Jonathan and I spent that first day quietly together. The next day we spent in Jerusalem. I just can't explain that time, how God used that experience to make us stronger as a couple, brought us to our knees before Him and strengthened our faith. It was a terrible loss, but also a gift.

When we returned, it was a difficult few weeks. I visited my doctor for a check-up, and she was reassuring. She suggested we wait one month to ensure that everything was back to normal, then try again. I'm typically a by-the-book person, so I was disappointed in waiting another month, but resigned myself to do so. So much for "our plan."

In early August we were supposed to have gone horseback riding, but the owner had to cancel. J and I went instead to the Dallas World Aquarium, on what must have been their "multiples" day - we saw numerous sets of twins and triplets. Foreshadowing? Because I had been tired and needed to go to the bathroom frequently, J suggested I take a pregnancy test. I scoffed, because I had not even started a new cycle and we had not been trying. I woke up that Monday morning feeling tired and decided to take a test anyway just to be sure - imagine our surprise when it was positive! I went in for a blood draw the next day and my levels were over 8,000 hCG.  The nurse said that was high and we may be further along than we thought. Since I knew that wasn't possible, I of course worried about other possibilities, such as an ectopic pregnancy, but made an appointment to be measured. I was nervous and wanted everything to be okay, and J went with me for the sonogram. My doctor (whom I love) smiled at us and asked "Are you ready for this?" My heart skipped a beat and I felt immediate relief; I thought she was going to say that she saw the gestational sac this time. As she turned the screen, I saw two little black circles, and she said "It's twins!"

I was incredulous; I saw it but could hardly believe it! J just laughed, I don't think he was as surprised as I was. Multiples had never even crossed my mind. It was such a magical moment. I knew that God was sending us a powerful message. He had heard our prayers; He had been with us in Israel; He had mourned the loss of our first pregnancy with us. God was telling us that life is a gift. It is not something that I can plan out to perfection, or maintain control over. It is a blessing that he bestows in His time. If we give up control to the Lord, then He will bless us indeed, and bless us abundantly! Twins!!